As I was finishing up my first post my coping problem opened my bedroom door and smacked me in the face, in the form of my older daughter, "You ate all the cake?". It is embarrassing to admit that I did and it isn't the first time that it has happened. I eat when I am feeling down or stressed and it almost always leaves me feeling more down or stressed than when I started.
I am not sure when in my life I started eating to bury my emotions but I know it isn't new. It has been more clear in the last few months however. Last October I decided I wanted to get my weight under control and I started the Take Shape for Life diet program. It worked great and I was able to loose a little over 35 pounds! Around March I started to feel like my motivation to stick to the program was waning and it was getting harder to justify the expense, so I went of the program figuring I could loose another 10 pounds or so on my own with the healthy habits I had learned while on the program. Well fast forward to today and I have gained about 15 pounds back and if I don't figure out how to get a handle on my eating I will be back to my starting point in no time.
I have started looking more closely at my eating and trying to find out more about compulsive overeating and Binge Eating Disorder. I am waiting for two books to arrive (one from the library, one from Amazon) to figure all of it out and where, if at all, I fit in. Some things I know about my eating are; I often eat unhealthy foods when I am not hungry, I sometimes hide what or how much of something I am eating from others, I often feel shame and increased negative feelings after I eat, I notice a real difference in how I feel mentally and physically when I eat well but can't seem to stick with it, and I have thought about making myself throw up after eating but have never tried. Boy that makes me feel like a nut to write that all down!
Wednesday, June 22, 2016
How do you teach it if you don't know it?
How is is possible to have so many feelings at once? And how do I figure out how to manage them and be in control instead of letting my bad coping techniques, eating and shopping, ruin my health and our bank account? That is the mountain I find myself facing and most days instead of starting the climb I grab a donut, hope on Jane.com and take a few steps backward. Ugh!!
So who am I and what is conspiring to land me at the base of this mountain. I am a 35 year old stay home mom with a wonderful husband and two darling daughters, ages 6 and almost 9. My older daughter was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome when she was 3 years old and in many ways that has defined a our lives for the last 6 years. I am also a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints where I hold a spiritually rewarding but very time consuming and stressful church calling, the PTA President and my daughters school, a first time training triathlete, a friend, a daughter, a pop culture nerd, a reader and a lover of sleeping in! I faced mental/emotional struggles in my early teem years when I faced anxiety about school, so much that I missed most of my seventh grade year. Looking back I wonder if I share my daughters diagnosis with more emphasis on my anxiety than her rage. Anxiety and depression have followed me since that seventh grade year, sometimes more in the shadows than other times. Presently they both seem to be sitting right on center stage and I am realizing more and more that despite the medications I am on for them I suck at handling them. As I have been trying to figure out how to fix that the thought keeps coming to me to get my feelings out by writing. And since I desperately want to get this down so I can teach my girls good coping mechanisms, I have decided to start this journey.
And before I let myself get to stuck in the whining and complaining that I fear this is becoming I want to put it out there that I do have an amazing life! I love my husband and my kids and we have been blessed beyond measure! All the more reason I want to nip this in the bud and enjoy the life I have!!
So who am I and what is conspiring to land me at the base of this mountain. I am a 35 year old stay home mom with a wonderful husband and two darling daughters, ages 6 and almost 9. My older daughter was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome when she was 3 years old and in many ways that has defined a our lives for the last 6 years. I am also a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints where I hold a spiritually rewarding but very time consuming and stressful church calling, the PTA President and my daughters school, a first time training triathlete, a friend, a daughter, a pop culture nerd, a reader and a lover of sleeping in! I faced mental/emotional struggles in my early teem years when I faced anxiety about school, so much that I missed most of my seventh grade year. Looking back I wonder if I share my daughters diagnosis with more emphasis on my anxiety than her rage. Anxiety and depression have followed me since that seventh grade year, sometimes more in the shadows than other times. Presently they both seem to be sitting right on center stage and I am realizing more and more that despite the medications I am on for them I suck at handling them. As I have been trying to figure out how to fix that the thought keeps coming to me to get my feelings out by writing. And since I desperately want to get this down so I can teach my girls good coping mechanisms, I have decided to start this journey.
And before I let myself get to stuck in the whining and complaining that I fear this is becoming I want to put it out there that I do have an amazing life! I love my husband and my kids and we have been blessed beyond measure! All the more reason I want to nip this in the bud and enjoy the life I have!!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)